February 27, 2021
Reflection: You don’t have to do it alone.
Today, I’m grateful for: a sweet baby girl
Challenge: Surrender.
Today (and yesterday) have been extra special days for our family. We shared the news with the world that we’ll have a sweet baby girl joining our family in August. I’ve been so excited to share this part of our life with the world. I’ll admit, it’s been particularly challenging authoring my blog without sharing this special news because it has obviously been such a significant part of our lives already for the last few months.
What began with the excitement of learning we were pregnant quickly shifted to fear and concern when I experienced some bleeding around 6 weeks. Having had a miscarriage once before our son was born, all of the fear and pain came rushing back in as I anticipated what this may mean for the pregnancy and future of our family.
I was later diagnosed with a subchorionic hemmhorage, which I’ll admit, sounds way worse than it is. But it still wasn’t the kind of news you want to hear at the beginning of your pregnancy and left me with a sense of fear. I learned so much through my first miscarriage, as well as my first son’s birth about surrendering. If pregnancy, labor and birth teach us anything, it’s that we’re not in control. But as someone who wants to do everything possible to enable the best outcome for my baby and my family...I was struggling to let go.
A couple weeks pass and I show up for my first official prenatal appointment. I’d shared my first pregnancy and birth with a midwifery group whom I loved working with, and was hoping to continue care for this pregnancy as well. At my appointment, I learned that because I’d ended up needing a csection for my first son’s birth, and wanted to try for a VBAC for this birth, I wouldn’t be able to stay with the midwives and would need to transfer to an OB group. Despite my apprehension about transferring care, at my first appointment, I was relieved to learn that my subchorionic hemmhorage had resolved itself! This was great news!
Baby was showing a strong heartbeat and everything seemed to be settling down. And then at our 15 week ultrasound, we learned that my placenta was in a low lying anterior position. Now, in most cases, this isn’t a problem and typically resolved itself before delivery. But in the event it doesn’t, it requires a csection and there are no alternatives.
I’d been through so much with my son’s birth and had spent the last 19 months mentally and physically preparing myself knowing that if we ever got pregnant again, I absolutely wanted to try for a VBAC. So initially, this news crushed me. I’ve dreamt my whole life about the experience of delivering my baby, immediately holding them to my chest, and those special moments unhindered by anything, but in my first birth, I felt like I was robbed of that all. I was looking so forward to another opportunity to experience that, and so the potential that I may not even get the chance was disappointing at best.
And to top things off for the week, I received a call from the clinic who was running some of my bloodwork that for the first time in the history of the clinic, a few samples, including mine, had been lost in the midst of a winter storm in the south. This blood sample has to be drawn within a certain time frame, which had obviously passed, so there was no option to replicate the sample. UGH! I couldn’t help but question what sort of Goddess of fertility I had pissed off somewhere??!
But as I reflect on my experiences, I’m continuously grateful for the miracle of life that is growing inside me. I can’t help but wonder if these challenges are God’s way of forcing me into scenarios where I have to surrender. It’s becoming increasingly clear to me, as this pregnancy progresses, how important my team is. How important it is to surround myself with positive influences. To eliminate the mind-wandering, internet rabbit holes of negativity. And to focus on the positive. To leverage my team of cheerleaders to help keep my spirits high. And remember that I don’t have to do this alone.
Each week is a new milestone and this weekend has been special getting to share this wonderful joy with our family and friends. I am so, so, SO grateful for this gift of life and this sweet baby girl that will be joining our family.
XO
SS
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