March 22, 2021
Reflection: Surrender. Surrender. Surrender.
Today, I’m grateful for: Peace of mind
Challenge: Consider what trials God continues to place in front of you and what lessons you think you’re supposed to learn from them.
Today, I had a bit of a pregnancy panic. At around 17-weeks, I was certain that I was starting to feel come baby kicks. Exciting! But after learning that I have an anterior placenta, I also learned that this can make it harder (or take longer to feel baby kicks). But regardless, every so often, I swear I feel a little flutter. And so after a weekend of what felt like no flutters at all, I started to worry. Anxiety. Stress. And then the fears of loss all come flooding back in.
After you’ve experienced miscarriage, there is no “getting over it”. That shit follows you around like a dark cloud forever. A heavy burden you never knew you’d have to carry. A joy-sucker that robs you from fully indulging in each and every exciting moment that pregnancy has to offer. No. Instead, you spend your energy protecting yourself from yourself. Keeping your emotional guard up to help prevent or minimize any future pain that may come as a result. And honestly....it’s just really fucking sad to think how many women suffer alone through this every single day.
During Calvin’s pregnancy, it was probably halfway through before I felt like I could truly “enjoy” his pregnancy. Of course, we were excited along the way. But there was always a small part of me that hid inside. Refusing to let go. Refusing to really “go there”, to surrender, to truly believe that I was going to be a mother and that I was worthy of this sweet blessing.
So when we got pregnant after Calvin was born, I promised I wasn’t going to suffer like that. And then I started bleeding. And what started as a fear-filled first trimester ended as just one of many more lessons in surrendering that I would be faced with throughout my pregnancy. Fear of miscarriage, fear of an unhealthy baby, fear of an unsupportive provider or being told “NO” to my desired VBAC. Fear of shame and unworthiness, and the fear of cracking back open the trauma from Calvin’s birth that I had processed and so neatly filed away (or so I thought).
What has become increasingly clear to me during my journey into and through motherhood is that pregnancy, labor, birth and postpartum are so much more mental and emotional than our society seems to acknowledge. We shuffle moms through pregnancy exciting them with the joys of motherhood (which are true for the record!), but we fail to empower them with the information, tools and resources they need for when they will need them most! Anyone who tells you birth is beautiful (which it is in my opinion!) but doesn’t acknowledge the deep challenges that come along with it is LYING to you.
And where is the evidence-based research in maternal care? Why do we live in one of the most industrialized nations in the world and yet have one of the worst infant and maternal mortality rates? And why in the fuck are we still circumcising our newborn baby boys?! (We point our fingers at the genital mutilation that happens to young girls in third world countries or shake fists at governments in protest of how every man and women should have the right to their own body and yet we turn a blind eye to the newborn babies freshly born into this world who are ripped from their mothers hours after they’re born and robbed of their bodily autonomy as a fully functioning organ they were born with gets mutilated!? HOW 👏🏻DID👏🏻WE👏🏻GET👏🏻HERE?! More on that in this incredibly informative video.)
I’d be lying if I sat here and acted like the fears of loss don’t still haunt me every day. This morning, as the questions began flooding my mind for all the reasons I might not be feeling fetal movement, I started to panic. I wrote my doctor and asked for a heartbeat check. And after what felt like the longest wait of my life, I was relieved to be greeted by the kindest nurse, Rachel, who took me straight to a room, whipped out her fancy Doppler device and found baby’s heartbeat thumping away. I closed my eyes and just listened in peace....
She later informed me that with my anterior placenta, I would likely have these sporadic movements for several more weeks before being able to feel baby move more consistently. As I reflect on my day, and the various trials I’ve had with this pregnancy, it becomes so very clear that God continues to put these challenges in front of me to force me to surrender. I can only anticipate that he is further grooming me for the birth of our sweet baby girl, and I’m hopeful that with the right amount of work, I can get there. That I can get to the point that I walk (or roll 😅) into labor with arms open wide, fully ready to surrender to whatever path this universe has chosen for me.
Until then, I’ll rest in the peaceful sound of our sweet baby’s heartbeat. ❤️ And for all my fellow mamas out there, whether it’s conception, pregnancy, an impending labor, birth trauma, postpartum, or any of the other trials of motherhood, please remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE. ❌⭕️😘
XO
SS
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