Savoring the joys, one day at a time

April 11, 2021

Reflection: One day at a time

Today, I’m grateful for: sunshine and family time

Challenge: Savor the joys.

Life feels different these days. Every day brings with it a slightly different flavor or anxiety. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, every action I take is laced with a flicker of fear that something might go wrong....did I roll out of bed safely? Did I stand up too quickly? Have I been on my feet too long? Did Calvin bump into to me too hard? Is [insert random object here] too heavy for me to lift?...I literally can’t do ANYTHING that doesn’t bring with it some level of stress, fear and anxiety. And to top things off, I just feel like a worthless, pathetic POS.

Because of this, I’m forced to embrace whatever small moments joy I can muster throughout the day. Today, that was the opportunity to sit on the deck and feel the sunshine beat on my face. It’s not super warm yet. It wasn’t the “I feel like I’m relaxing on the beach” kind of sun....But it was enough to feel good for just a little bit. And that’s all I can ask for these days.

As I continue to wade through these waters of trial, awaiting the next diagnostic input to refine the trajectory of my pregnancy journey, I am being forced to redefine my entire life...my entire identity. What I do, what makes me who I am, how I survive this thing called life....it’s heavy. And it’s a LOT. And knowing this is just the beginning, some days are harder than others.

I try to let go, to surrender. But when literally every second of every day has been reshaped with these new guardrails, it’s impossible to “just BE” as one might when they truly surrender. No more workouts. No more long walks. No more having my son run and jump into my arms as I pick him up and twist in circles embracing the wonderful hug....that one really crushes me....

I feel like a failure in so many ways. I feel like I can’t be the mom I want to be for Calvin... that my body is failing our sweet baby girl....and if that wasn’t enough, all this stress has turned my brain to absolute mush making everything else in life even more challenging. Sometimes, I just feel lost.

I have good moments and bad moments. High and lows. Today’s highs were a few moments in the sunshine, repotting plants with my husband and son, and Calvin’s first family dinner at a restaurant as a toddler...and the fact that for now...for this moment right now, we are OK. I hold on to these joys as long as I can...to savor them....knowing the stress is lurking in the wings ready to take center stage.

My new coping mechanism has been to focus on one day at a time. Each day is a milestone and I’m grateful for the little flutters that remind me baby girl is in there happy and healthy. Thank you to all for the prayers that she stays safe and healthy in there growing as long as she needs to! Grow, sweet baby girl, grow.

XO

SS