April 5, 2021
Reflection: In mindfulness, practice does not make perfect. Practice makes patterns.
Today, I’m grateful for: A normal, healthy bill of health for baby girl
Challenge: How can you facilitate the process of surrender? (Seriously, if you have any go-to tools, send them my way! 😅)
Today was another one of those “God is testing me again” days. I seem to have had a lot of these throughout this pregnancy. 🤔We had our 20-week anatomy scan this morning. Good news is, our sweet baby girl looks strong and healthy as can be. Difficult news was that I have placenta previa, which basically means the placenta (which is baby’s life source throughout pregnancy) is partially or totally covering the cervix (which is one of the the openings through which baby typically travels during delivery).
The majority of the time, placenta previa diagnosed around 20-weeks will resolve itself (aka MOVE out of the way) by the end of pregnancy. But if it doesn’t, it requires a cesarean delivery...NO matter what. There is no alternative and even attempting labor with placenta previa can put mom and baby at significant risk for complications like blood loss and even death.
This pregnancy has had no shortage of surprises, but there was something about this news that just crushed me today. EVEN though we won’t know what this will mean for me and my delivery until much later in pregnancy and EVEN though the odds are in my favor and EVEN though I got the glorious news that our baby girl looks normal and healthy, I was emotionally devastated.
I’ve worked so hard to process, prepare, educate and advocate for myself to go in confident and ready to enable the healing VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) experience I long for...to get those special moments of experiencing my baby being born and having her come immediately to my chest....to embrace her fully with no medication or restraints stopping me from having that immediate bonding moment with my seconds-old newborn.....so the idea that it could all be ripped away from me (again) was too much to handle.
Cue downward-spiral.....Google searches, fear-fueled anxieties, and alllll the “what if’s?” and “whys?”. I’ve been here many times before...and clearly I still haven’t learned the lesson, because no matter the level of anxiety or reflection, I know they are all questions I’ll never get any answers to.
And so begins the process of letting go. Of not trying to “figure it out”. Of forgiving myself and lifting the burden and guilt of not being worthy, deserving of “good enough”. To trust that whatever this Universe holds for me is exactly where I need to be, now and in the future. To know that what is for me cannot be against me.
I am not an expert at gratitude, surrender or any other mindfulness practice....but that’s exactly what it is....a practice. So I am a practitioner, just doing the best I can with what I’ve got every single day. And today was challenging. So tonight, I step back. I focus on what I have to be grateful for, like a normal, healthy baby, a normal, healthy toddler, and the health, safety and love that keeps my foundation strong. Tonight, I take a deep breath and I try to let it go. And tomorrow, I’ll do the same. I don’t think the concept of “practice makes perfect” applies with mindfulness, but it does make patterns, and it’s a habit I need at the center of my life to remain grounded, grateful and growing.
XO
SS
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