February 23, 2021
Reflection: Motherhood is not self-sacrifice. In fact, it is an opportunity to start living a whole new life.
Today, I’m grateful for: Lessons in motherhood.
Challenge: Take some time to fill your cup.
I was particularly moved by a quote I saw today. It’s fairly long, but worth it, so stick with me:
Mothers have martyred themselves in their children’s names since the beginning of time. We have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist.
What a terrible burden for children to bear—to know that they are the reason their mother stopped living. What a terrible burden for our daughters to bear—to know that if they choose to become mothers, this will be their fate, too. Because if we show them that being a martyr is the highest form of love, that is what they will become. They will feel obligated to love as well as their mothers loved, after all. They will believe they have permission to live only as fully as their mothers allowed themselves to live.
If we keep passing down the legacy of martyrdom to our daughters, with whom does it end? Which woman ever gets to live? And when does the death sentence begin? At the wedding altar? In the delivery room? Whose delivery room—our children’s or our own? When we call martyrdom love we teach our children that when love begins, life ends. This is why Jung suggested: There is no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent.
Glennon Doyle, Untamed
The truth in this is saddening, but the lightbulb for me was in reflecting on how this has played out in my own life, and recognizing that this challenge has been particularly exacerbated for new mamas in the last year or so.
What I mean is, when you unpack the process that is becoming a mother, there are so many “firsts” that come in the early days. And as we gain a new identity through these experiences as mothers, we lose ourselves a bit in the process. So not only are we learning a whole new way of living, we are putting to rest (quite abruptly I might add) the person we’ve known and identified with our entire lives. This is not to say we don’t do so willingly and gratefully, but that’s also not to say we don’t mourn what once-was in the process. And let’s be honest....the first few weeks with a newborn are fcking survival mode which can make it difficult to recognize yourself at any given moment.
Then, you tack on a pandemic, which has reshaped our entire society in a multitude of ways. But for new mamas, this has meant so much more than just “staying home”. This has meant grieving the ideas of what we thought birth, postpartum or having a toddler were all about. It has meant limiting time with loved ones and grandparents who missed out on chapters of their new grandchildren’s lives. It’s made the already tough decisions even tougher, and it’s made it pretty damn hard to feel like you’re doing anything “right”.
And most of all, it made this challenge of self-sacrifice (as outlined above) far too approachable. We’ve spent the last year selflessly giving to our children in ways even we don’t understand, with the sense that there’s no other option and to the point it has become a ‘new normal’. And with our typical outlets out of reach (insert preferred modes of self-care here), stepping away to take care of ourselves (or as Glennon puts it, living your life) has felt more inaccessible than ever.
So after we’re done finding ourselves again, and we’re done mourning the reality of this pandemic life and what it’s meant for our new families, and halfway trying to live for ourselves along the way, what is left? Where do we go from here? Three things I think are worth pointing out:
“Self-care” and mental health have become more important now than ever. And even though these things might look a little different than our “normal”, that doesn’t make it any less important. I haven’t done the best job of making and taking the time. But carving off those moments for myself are necessary to help me fill my cup and be the best mother, spouse, friend, colleague, daughter that I can be.
No matter the context, the challenge of sacrificing ourselves for the sake of our children will always be present. This is not to confuse the idea that I don’t love my child more than anything, or that I wouldn’t throw myself in front of a bus to protect him (I would definitely do this). No. It is about the day-to-day, and helping your child grow into the best version of themselves by showing them a life well-lived.
Support, connection and friendship are critical pieces to the motherhood puzzle. We need people we can lean on. People we can vent to. People who are going through a similar chapter of life. And people who have been through what we’re going through. And people to just listen and love on you. And as much as you need it, never be afraid to be the first to reach out, because odds are, your friend, sister, coworker, etc. needs it too.
Cheers to thriving through motherhood and all it’s highs and lows! We can do it!
XO
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