I’ve been allllllll in my feels this week. The last several months of our life have been spent focused on mere survival, but as we start to poke our heads above those waters, it’s making space for allllll the emotions to come flooding in and holy FUCK. I was not expecting it. I guess I just assumed I’d shed enough tears by now, but once again, I was wrong.
On one hand, I am so SO grateful. Our story has a happy ending. We’re here. We’re safe. We’re thriving….(generally), if you can call it that 😅. And there is truly nothing more I could ask for. I am SO grateful.
But I can’t run from what’s been waiting for me on the other side… To deny the shitstorm-dumpster fire-full of SHIT that’s been sitting there, waiting for the moment that I finally have a chance to take a peek at it. To peel back the curtain and try to figure out what’s been hiding, festering under there for so long….
Welp, IT FOUND ME. It’s here, and if I’m being honest, I’m overwhelmed. With grief, with sadness, disappointment and frustration. Misunderstanding and envy. And it doesn’t help that the type-A in me is saying “suck it up, get over it and move on” bringing feelings of guilt, inadequacy and a general sense of bitterness.
I‘ve awoke many mornings and gone to bed many nights recently with this looming question of WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THIS YEAR?! From day one of our dicey pregnancy, I’ve experienced everything from rare pregnancy complications, bedrest, multiple hospitalizations, the inability to care for my toddler or family, constant life volatility, a premature birth, significant medical trauma and intervention, a major abdominal surgery, multiple rounds of family illness all while caring for a newborn and toddler, peaking out with the major life decision of whether or not we can have more children. And let’s not forget that we’re still living in a global pandemic amongst one of the most politically charged, socially volatile times in recent history. To say things have been “challenging” is an understatement… 😪
On the darker days, I question “WHAT is wrong with me?!” Am I depressed? Is this anxiety, rage, or fear normal? Is this what they’re actually asking about when we mamas just check all the little questionnaire boxes accordingly so nobody really knows what’s going on inside or doubts your abilities as a mother? And then there are the brighter days, where I can zoom out and acknowledge that wouldn‘t anyone who’s been through a season like this reasonably feel some sort of way?….either way, it doesn’t make it any easier.
I, of course, have managed to find moments of peace along the way. My gratitude practice for one kept me afloat through many dark days. But in retrospect, did I have a choice? There isn’t a “not showing up” option when you’re growing a human with your body. The self-sacrifice of a mother is real, no matter how much we try to counteract or deny it. And despite always “showing up”, so much of this last year has been a choice between “which of these options will result in the least amount of suffering??” My life has been overridden with anxieties and void of any form of pleasure for months, and it’s clear this has worn on me.
My soul has been forever etched with these experiences carrying both highs and lows that will walk with me for the rest of my life. On one hand, my soul is swollen with love and gratitude. I have a ZEST for life that I’ve never known before. The “I’m just happy to be here!” mentality hits a little different after everything I’ve been through 😜 But on the other hand, my soul feels a little harder these days. Worn down from the suffering, engrained with a new stoicism born from the need to protect myself, hardened by a sense of betrayal from life. And yet, beautifully, somewhere in the middle, I think there’s a newfound wisdom. I don’t quite understand it yet, but I think it has a flavor of that feeling you get when you silently look an elderly person in the eye from across the room…
By no means am I saying that I expect to be exempt from life’s sufferings. Everybody has their own shit and I fully accept that this is part of life. But D A M N. This has been hard. This has been an incredibly difficult season of life and I’m finally feeling all the feels from everything that’s happened. The old me would’ve tried to run from this all. To make it all go away and just be better. But I know better now. I’m hopeful I will soon emerge from the fiery emotional blaze, rinse myself and rise from the ashes fresher and fuller. But for now, this is where you’ll find me.
Peace, love and feels.
XO
SS
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