All its tainted glory

April 28, 2021

Reflection: “It takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still to love it.” -Oscar Wilde

Today, I’m grateful for: love, support and safety

Challenge: Pause, observe, reflect, appreciate

Do you ever have days where you just feel....emotional? Those seem to come more frequently for me these days. I’ve gotten good at distraction which sometimes helps, either to punch through the moments of weakness or to at least offer some temporary relief. Work, gardening, laundry...never in a million years did I think I would find laundry soothing. I find joys in these moments, but the emotions are still there. And I’m not sure I’ll ever hit a point where I openly accept them. I’m working on it, but it just doesn’t come natural for me. Not to mention the inconvenience. “My son needs me”, “I have to get on a meeting”, “I have to answer the phone...”

All of life’s happenings don’t just stop for your emotions. But your emotions, once you succumb to them, don’t stop for life either. So I’ve found myself in a habit of only allowing my emotions to come when I give them permission. Perhaps it’s some attempt at maintaining the only sense of control I still have left. Perhaps it’s my last-ditch means of figuring out how to reasonably function given the state of overwhelm. Or perhaps it’s just old habits dying hard like the irrational idea that maybe if I just pretend that I’m OK, then all my problems will go away. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work.

“Give yourself permission to be sad, to feel all the feels,” my therapist says. But what does that truly look like? And how can I possibly “feel all the feels” when the amount of “feels” cycling are too many to count or reasonably process?? Some days it’s sadness. Some days it’s grief. Some days it’s fear or frustration or anger. Some days it’s gratitude paired with guilt. Some days it’s worthlessness and hopelessness. Some days it’s envy or shame. Some days it’s disappointment or just plain disbelief. And some days, the sense of overwhelm from allllll of these is so much that I think I start to short-circuit a little bit. It’s like my brain stops functioning properly. And then I get even more upset because I don’t understand WTF is happening to my body.

*heavy sigh* As cathartic as it is to put it all on paper, it still doesn’t make it go away. I know I have so much to be grateful for, but some moments are just completely overwhelmed by the emotions that it makes it really difficult to pause, observe, reflect and appreciate. So this is me....pausing.....observing......reflecting.....and appreciating. In the words of Oscar Wilde-

“It takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still to love it.”

Today, I go to bed grateful. Grateful knowing that right now, in this moment, I am OK. That my son is sleeping safely and soundly in his room. That my husband is right by my side whenever I need him. And that I have an incredible support system surrounding me with love. For that, I am grateful.

XO

SS